Saturday was a good day. I woke up in the morning in a bit of a pensive state, just because I had a lot of things on my mind, but by the time church was over I felt great. Mainly because it it was communion, and secondly because the church I attended is undoubtedly the most Caribbean church EVER. It literally warms my heart to see all the elderly folk doing things exactly the way they did them 40 years ago with no apology. Nope, they ain’t modernising for nobody.
After a surprisingly early finish, we drove back to my friend’s house to eat ourselves silly, which is one of my favourite pastimes. As we inhaled platefuls of awesomeness, the conversation meandered into a discussion over STD’s and whether we would ask the future significant other (or had asked) to get checked. We all agreed that in this day and age, not only should you ask them if they’ve been checked, you should get them to send you the health clinic text message for confirmation. And then I said “Psshhh, even if they claim to be a virgin i want an STD check, you can’t trust anyone these days…I’m not getting HIV because of your fairytale virginity”. Everyone cracked up laughing and looked at me as if I was crazy.
Now this sounds harsh at first, but let’s be real here guys- some people’s virginity is pretty much a figment of their very overactive imagination. And some people have a very broad definition of the word – which is fine, each to their own…apart from when it comes to me getting chlamydia. At that point, your technical virginity isn’t enough for me. As I’ve said before, in Christian circles, we put too much stock on virginity as opposed to actual purity anyway, so it’s no judgement call. Virginity does not equal good person or good marriage. However, if you believe that because you only went 2/16ths of the way in , you’re still a virgin, then power to the people, but I’m gonna need that text message homie. From the clinic. Reassuring me of your clean bill of health. And even if you swear on every deity you’ve ever heard of that you are one of the few members of the male species that has kept their hands to themselves, then good for you. Here’s a celebratory oatmeal and raisin cookie. And my phone. To make an appointment for that good old swab and a urine sample.
Am I the most cynical person ever? Perhaps, but I’ve heard enough stories of people lying about their STD status to want to be certain that I’m not taking any risks. I’m not gonna be that chick who 5 years after she’s married realises she’s infertile because she has asymptomatic chlamydia which she caught from her ‘virgin’ husband, all for some abstract value of ‘trust’. ‘Trust’ can’t discover a cure for HIV. ‘Trust’ isn’t a strong enough anti-biotic to kill mutant super-bug strains of gonorrhoea. ‘Trust’ doesn’t get rid of herpes. Does it? No, it doesn’t. There’s a program on TV called Unsafe Sex in the city. It has scared the bejeepers out of me. The British public have gone mad, I mean, condoms are literally like periods to some men- an inconvenient nuisance that happens once a month. What the mittens? Nope, I refuse to be at the mercy of these gloveless fiends.
This has kinda left me with a little dilemma though. Obviously when you’re married, you have to trust your partner. If you can’t trust them before the wedding, how will you trust them after? So it’s slowly dawning on me that for all my bold talk about mandatory check ups, what happens once the rings are exchanged? Do I get secret check ups every month to be certain he hasn’t passed anything on to me? Do I regularly question his activities like some kind of paranoid crazy person? Do I use my medical knowledge to take secret swabs and culture them myself? Probably not. I’m probably going to have to just trust that the person I’m with is the kind of person I can believe in. That’s super scary to me. I guess that’s what love is all about though. Yeh, love sucks. I stand by the text message rule.
For those of you in relationships, did you make them get a STD test before you started doing the doo-daa-dee? Or did you take their word for it that they’re in the clear? Is it kinda weird and crazy to ask someone for that if they claim to be a virgin?