Aaaaah love. That funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach. It’s supposed to be much more than a feeling – unchanging, unending devotion, kind, patient, unselfish, not proud, all the good stuff they say at weddings. But sometimes in a similar way to indigestion, what started out as something delicious and tasty ends up rather bitter and stomach churning. Some may say that in an ideal world where everyone was a lot wiser and less prone to infatuation, break ups wouldn’t happen. But they do, and you just gotsta deal with it folks. Here’s how to.
(Disclaimer: All of this is advice is humorous, fictional, but may be factual. But any relation to any persons dead or alive is purely coincidental. Also, I am not a psychologist.)
1) Burn all evidence of the relationship.
A lot of the time, when a relationship ends, people have a hard time letting go. You know why? Because they unwittingly keep dragging up evidence of the relationship like a daft criminal on CSI. There’s only one way to stop bursting into tears every time you look at the fake Chanel handbag he bought you for your birthday. If you keep it in the loft, you’ll inevitably have a moment of weakness where you sob up all 2 flights of stairs to find it amongst the dust and the mice. The best way to avoid this is to have a celebratory bonfire in your back garden with all your friends, where you burn every last shred of evidence that you were in a relationship. If you do this, by the end of the week not only will all the handbags, notebooks, love letters and teddy bears be up and away in smoke, so will your feelings of depression. Any time someone mentions your ex significant other, you can say”Who? What? No, sorry not really sure what you’re on about. That all went up in flames ages ago…” with a creepy glint in your eye.
2)Buy a pet.
Apparently, dogs are a man’s best friend. Obviously, this is complete tosh, because as I’ve mentioned before, dogs are highly aggressive and unpredictable animals. Nevertheless, since according to some women, all men are dogs, if you’ve lost a man, you might as well buy a puppy. And if you’re a man, buy some goldfish or something. Just someone to show you that there are other living things worthy of your love and attention other than the person who broke your heart (or maybe you were the heartbreaker, in which case you might just want to by a celebratory bottle of Shloer).
3) Write a song.
It’s no coincidence that a significant number of the best pop songs ever written were the fruit of a disastrous relationship finale. One day you’re in bed with a jar of Nutella, shovelling yourself into an abyss of cellulite, the next day you’re being thanked by Adele at the Grammys because the song you wrote was a number one for 19 weeks. You just never know.
4)Transfer your affections to your family members.
Ok, this one sounds kinda creepy, but hear me out. On a more serious note, we often spend our relationships (wrongly, but easily done) devoting time to the other person to the exclusion of family and friends. In between increasing Kleenex’s share of the stock market, why not take some time to shower your friends and family with some tender loving care. You might as well – you’re officially single now.
5) Smash your smartphone into a million tiny pieces.
In the midst of the break up, a smartphone is like rain on freshly straightened hair. It is the enemy. It is diametrically opposed to everything you are trying to achieve. It will quickly and efficiently erase any progress you have made in getting over your ex. Your smartphone will allow you to drag up text messages, send all manner of embarrassing whatsapp messages, and stalk your ex on every available social media platform. If you know what’s good for you, you’ll either destroy it (dramatic, but you’ve just ended a relationship so what’s one more drama?), lock it in a high security vault, or just delete the offensive human who once blocked you from the new and glorious life you are now leading (that is what you must call them from now on) from Facebook, Instagram and every other media where their face may be seen. The choice is yours.
6)Wish them well.
If you have one of those fictional ‘mutual’, break ups (I never believe that these are ever FULLY mutual), then maybe you’ve already progressed to this step, good for you. For the rest of us, our feelings verge from the type of mild annoyance that means that we’d gloat over them if they lost their Oyster card, to full blown anger, including quoting Bible texts that involve God avenging us of our enemies even to the third and fourth generation. None of this is good. As they say in the Caribbean, “what is for you can’t be un-for you” (that’s my Anglicised version), so there is no point hanging onto bitter hatred for them. They are not for you. Wish them well. This is easier said than done, and will probably take about 6 months to achieve.
Anyone brave enough to share how they got over a break up?