It’s the holiday season! Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and a slamming Kwanzaa to you all :-).I personally don’t particularly celebrate any of these festivals, but I love my reindeer onesie with all my heart, and am super curious about both Hanukkah and Kwanzaa. This is also the season of mistletoe, kissing under said leaf, and drunken Christmas exploits for some of you heathens.
Some of you though, will be spending Christmas listening to Mariah Carey and day dreaming about that crush who you would like to kiss under the mistletoe, but who is conspicuously absent from your heart and your Christmas dinner table. All they want for Christmas is someone else. Or maybe there is no crush, because maybe, like the bottom of non-creamed foot, your romantic life is dry. Never fear, all that relationship stuff is overrated anyway. Here are 5 reasons why it’s great to be single, especially around this time of year.
1)Freedom from herpes, bird flu and other fatal diseases.
It’s no secret that around this time of year, the NHS faces unimaginable pressures. Hospital wards are rammed full of dying and practically dead people. You’re told to get your flu jab, wash your hands, and avoid people who are ill. What they really should tell you is to avoid relationships. It’s quite obvious that saliva is dangerous. As well as other bodily fluids. 99.9% of communicable diseases are spread via bodily fluids. All that kissing and canoodling, it’s not good for you. What if your boyfriend catches Norovirus? That’s projectile vomiting for 24 hours at least. What if he has bird flu? It has an incubation period of up to 8 days – by the time his symptoms start, you’re pretty much already in the position to design your own cremation invitations. You’re better off alone.
2)More money for you. That’s right, more money for you.
Relationships inevitably mean spending money on the other person. Now this point is mainly for the guys, because frankly, I don’t believe in showering men with gifts – it disturbs the balance of the relationship. Think of all the dinners you’ve paid for, little gifts you’ve bought, outings to various concerts, galleries, romantic cities etc. What a palava. And when the relationship ends, you’re left broke and broken hearted. It’s completely illogical when you can buy a Happy Meal for one at a fraction of the price of a two person meal at Nandos, and sit in composure and silence without another human endlessly yakking in your ear. In fact, realistically, if you’re taking your dates to Nandos you’re pretty much doomed to perpetual singleness anyway – so you might as well embrace it.
3)No awkward friend/family intros.
There’s a reason why there are stereotypes about crazy mother-in-laws. One of the things that is part and parcel of being in a relationship is awkward introductions to family members. Inevitably you will say something wrong, you will crack a joke that isn’t funny, you will accidentally wade into a political or religious discussion that leaves them reeling (if you’re like me), you will start your period in the middle of dinner, you will break a glass, you will be caught in a compromising physical position with your significant other and try to explain yourself (this has not happened to me.Yet). Why do it to yourself? Be awkward in solitude in the comfort of your Primark onesie, sitting on your bed watching re-runs of Come Dine With Me. It’s better for the environment anyway. All that to and fro-ing from their parents house is bad for the atmosphere- haven’t you realised how hot London is compared to the rest of England? It’s all these people in relationships meeting up with each other and polluting up the place. Save the planet, save yourself from embarrassment.
4) You can look busted and no one will care.
If you’ve never had the freedom of a 3 week period of a nappy afro (or straight hair bedhead), long toe nails, and a face that looks like a series of miniature Pompeii’s, you haven’t really lived. There’s something liberating about knowing that however jacked up you look, your significant other will not be less attracted to you because the only person checking you out is the man in the mirror. Wallow in your own unattractiveness for a while. Breath in the stench of your unwashed limbs. See how many objects you can hide in that uncombed fro. Send the number into Guinness world book of records. Spend a whole week eating everything you ever wanted and getting fatter than pregnant women with triplets. You can do all this when you’re singe. Or you can do all this if you’re in a relationship, you’re trapped and you want to become single.
5) There’s always the potential for someone new.
Think about your friend stuck married to that crazy man for life. Think about your cousin tied down to that dusty women for the rest of his days. Mourn for them. Weep. And sit smugly in the fact that however bad singleness might be, right now, someone , somewhere in the world, is being pressured to spend a significant amount of their salary on a very very expensive wedding, that only will last 12 hours at the most.
And there you have it. If that doesn’t convince you to keep permanently single, then there’s no hope for you, and I suggest you join Match.com as soon as possible. Because you’re worth it.
Peace guys 🙂