It’s a new year! You’re all frantically berating yourelves because it’s day 7, and you’ve already broken approximately 83% of your New Year’s resolutions, and the remaining 17% will be broken by the end of this week. Never fear, don’t allow yourself to be despondent and dejected – we’re all in this together. Which is why I’ve decided to come up with some collective New Years resolutions. I’m a firm believer that there is safety (or extreme danger) in numbers, so rather than individually try and individually fail, why not collectively try and succeed. Yay.
1)Miley Cyrus and R.Kelly
I’ve blogged about Miley before, and she definitely wins the prize for person with the most undeserved, although not unwarranted (I feel there is a subtle difference) media attention in 2013. As a society, I think we should leave Miley as a relic of a bygone era, and resurrect Hannah Montana instead. She was safe, she was friendly, she did not twerk her non existent behind. R Kelly, unlike Miley, isn’t overrrated really, he’s just a paedophile. Robin Thicke has a decent voice but is slightly rapey. Let’s agree to leave all 3 of them in the recesses of history.
I hate this restaurant. It’s a glorified KFC with dim lights and some sort of samba like music in a desperate plea for ‘ambience’. As a certified non chicken eater, it’s also a certified waste of building space. Every Nandos should be bulldozed and replaced with a KFC so at least men can’t misle unsuspecting women into thinking this sham of a chicken eaterie is an acceptable date venue.
We buy way too much way too often. There are only so many faux wool snoods you can buy from Primark before you suffocate in a pool of fabric and guilt at the fact that some poor Bangladeshi child has developed early onset cataracts from knitting in the dark. If we all buy one less snood from Primark, the world will be a better place.
4)Reverse racism, reverse sexism.
The terminology. Because although non-whites can be bigots, and women can hate men, these terms are usually only used by racists and sexists to attempt to obscure the structural realities that lead to oppression, and avoid the reality of their relative societal privilege. And they annoy the mittens out of me.
That is all.
6) Bad weave, blonde weave.
I have no issues with good weave, I have 2 fake friends that I wear when I feel like it. (Edited to add, I do have issues with the fact that so many women emulate European ideals of beauty. But that’s another post).Whenever I see someone who looks like Gwyneth Paltrow from the back, and Kelly Rowland from the front however, it scares the hair brushes out of me.
7) Children who throw tantrums in supermarkets.
Supernanny clearly isn’t airing at primetime anymore, or her methods are futile. Because I’m seeing far too many spawn floundering on the floors of supermarket aisles, buses and GP surgeries. Handle your minions please. Cheers.
I’m having a stand off with my housemate at the moment about central heating. Anything that contributes to more erratic weather conditions, I’m against. Re-use, recycle, regurgitate, whatever. Let’s just do our bit.
9) Turning up to the GP with your non-existent illnesses.
As a med student, I am appealing to you to please call NHS direct if you are in doubt as to whether your problem is really a problem. Please. I have just spent a day watching someone reassure scores of paranoid mothers that their child is not on the brink of death.*
*Disclaimer, this blog is for the purposes of humour and in no way reflects the opinion of the writer or her future employer. Yeah right.
I spent a whole day last year just repeating this phrase to myself, and adding it to the end of all of my text messages. I lost friends and alienated people. Even my imaginary friend.
11) STD’s, STI’s.
Come on lads let’s get it together, it’s 2014. Unsafe Sex in the City should be required watching for 11 year olds. No one’s like “Let’s get herpes, YOLO!”. (Abstinence for the win. Condoms for the win also.)
YOLO! Be vegan instead, don’t do these half-baked Atkin thingies.
13)Taking things seriously that aren’t serious, and not taking seriously enough the things that are really serious.
A new year is a great thing, because it’s like that first day in spring when old trees can sprout new buds. The tree is the same but there’s something different about it, it’s the ability for second chances. Let’s take ourselves seriously, but not too seriously. Let’s forgive the small and big things, but never forget to stand against big things that hurt others. Let’s laugh a lot and live a lot. Let’s try and find the God given light that is available to everyone who searches for it. He wants good things for us more than we want them for ourselves. And on that attempt to be a bit deep….Happy New Year!!!