Why am I always beefing with landlords?

got beef

Sometimes, you have to take a long hard look in the mirror and realise that if you keep having issues with people, then maybe you’re the one with the problem.

Sometimes you have to do that. Sometimes, when you keep losing friends and alienating people then you ARE probably losing friends and alienating people.

In this case however, I maintain that I am not the insane one. There are times I can be a little bit difficult, a little bit crazy, a little bit hard to work with, ya know..like all normal, well adjusted human beings. But the reason I keep beefing with landlords is nothing to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with the fact that 84% of landlords are cray cray.

Not all landlords are unbalanced. If, however, I was one of those weird types who actually enjoyed maths and was good enough at it to plot a graph of mental instability and length of time as a landlord, length of time as a landlord would be on the X axis (I think?) and it would show a very clear positive correlation between landlordy activities and being cray cray.

My first experience with this was with a landlord who  tried to freeze me and my housemates to death, and then tried to withhold our deposit for an imaginary cleaning bill. It was the dead of December, we were 3 broke students -3 broke students with West Indian parents. So basically regardless of our income, our genetics determined that we weren’t going to allow ourselves to be frozen like chicken nuggets.

Slight problem though – our boiler stopped working. I’m no D.I.Y aficionado, and even if I was, I had no intention of fixing a boiler in a house that I paid £385 a month in rent for. We proceed to call the landlord. Landlord doesn’t pick up. Cool beans. Next day. Doesn’t pick up. This happened for about a week, until his sister text us saying he was in “hospital”, and  he was “sorry”. During this time, my toes were slowly, one by one, dropping off, and for the first time in my life I might actually have looked like Beyonce, because my face was pale with cold. Landlord decides to answer his phone in “hospital”, and sends someone to fix the boiler. Said landlord , who was clearly high on morphine, tried to charge me, me, ME!!, for the boiler-fixer-man bill. I beg your little hospitalised pardon? Me?! Pay?! I think not.

To put the icing on the gluten free cake, I broke a lightbulb and he tried to charge me £40 to replace it. I kid thee not. Thankfully, our good friends at the deposit protection agency sorted him out.

My second (live in – never, ever have a live in landlord) landlord also had issues with allowing me to be suitably warm, and we ended up playing this merry dance where I would wait until they went to bed, turn up the heating and then wake up early in the morning and turn down the heating before they had a chance to complain. I know this makes me sound like I’m the crazy one, but I promise you, I wore a onesie and a duvet and I was still shivering. To be fair, apart from the heating issue she was actually quite nice, but I would actually rather live with David Cameron and be warm than be that cold ever again. Are you getting the impression that I don’t like being cold?

My third landlord (also live in – only a fool repeats the same foolishness twice, and that fool was me) was vegan.  Cool, right? Wrong. What I didn’t bank on was the fact that she was a militant vegan. The type of militant vegan who told me I’d deceived her about who I really was because she saw that I’d ordered a non-vegan pizza one time, and who accused me of stealing flaxseed oil from her – which is completely insane because:

a)Flawed human though I am, if I pinch stuff from people’s cupboards I AlWAYS tell them.

b)I would never steal stuff from crazy people because I’m too scared they’ll go all crazy on me.

c)Who on earth steals flaxseed oil from someone who bakes vegan cupcakes? It tastes disgusting. Obviously, I would steal the cupcakes instead.

d)Who on earth steals flaxseed oil? Most of you are asking..what is flaxseed? Exactly.

Again, there was a problem with the heating. Even when I offered to pay extra on the heating bill (I think my exact words were “My parents have offered to help me pay – it doesn’t matter how much, I just can’t be this cold anymore”), she still refused, because it wasn’t ‘eco friendly’. Remind me never to live with someone who cares about the environment that much EVER again. And no, I don’t have thyroid issues. I’m beginning to think the central heating thing is a ‘cultural’ difference. Basically, those of you with less melanin seem to have some kind of adaptation to cold that the rest of the planet just don’t have. I wish I had it. Winter would be a lot cheaper.

While I emanate love and light to all of my landlords, and wish them well on their journey I’m certain I’m not the only person who’s had problems with this species of people.

How many of you have had landlord beef?

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