The Weave Commandments

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I’m currently residing in a country where the majority of the population is Hindu. Last week, on my sojourns around the hospital wards, I saw a lady who had her hair shaven, possibly due to the Hindu tradition of shaving your head as a way to honour the gods. Forgive me for my sacrilege, but all I could think of was the strong likelihood that that hair would end up on the head of a fashonable Nigerian lady somewhere in Peckham. I began to ponder weave – good weave, bad weave, blue weave, yardie weave, white girl weave… why weave?

I dislike the idea that a large number of black women wear European textured hair on their head. There’s a pathology in that and we know it. Nevertheless, weave is here to stay (for the time being at least), but some of us have become reckless and disorderly with our weave wearing…we need some weave commandments.

1) Thou shalt not believe that blondes have more fun.

I know Beyonce has done it. I know Mary J Blige has done it. But you see, these are multimillionaires with expert weaveologists at their beck and call. I know the nice lass at the hairdressers told you blonde was your colour, but she’s a hairdresser. They’re practically paid liars. 

2)Thou shalt match your edges with your weave.

Imagine Kunta Kinte, with a straight ponytail hanging from one strand. Awkward isn’t it? I empathise with that twoweeksbeforetheweavesisdueout struggle, but whatever happened to a nice headscarf?. Your edges and your ends should not be unequally yoked.

 3) Thou shalt feed your belly before you obtain Remy.

I wanted it to rhyme for emphasis. Where are you going with your £500 weave yet you are hiding in corners to evade council tax? My friend, you cannot be serious.

4) Tracks are for trains.

The exception to this is when you are running for the last train at London Bridge and nothing in life even matters anymore apart  from the Hayes train and your wig is lopsided and you’ve developed new onset asthma and you acidentally on purpose barged the tourist in front of you who thought 2mph was an appropriate speed at which to traverse through life with. Otherwise.. hide them tracks!

5)Thou shalt pat discreetly.

I am offcially embarassed to have melanin when in a professional environment one of my fellow comrades decides to slap their head like they are remixing the migraine skank. Oh. My. Life. Pat with decorum.

6) It’s time to let go.

We’re officially coming out of the recession, so the price of weave should have dropped by say….3 pence a strand? There’s no reason to cling on to that Yaki for dear life. I understand, sometimes in life, it’s hard to let go, especially when you’ve invested so much. But if you love something and you let it go, if it was really yours it will come back to you. Or something like that…. 

7) Thou shalt love your natural hair texture.

On a serious note, if you’re wearing weave all day every day, then maybe, possibly, there’s a problem. Espcially if you ONLY wear staright weave – it might be that you actually have an aversion to your own hair. That’s not cool. Take a break, have a kit kat, rock a fro!

8)Thou shalt not expose your other weave wearering compatriots in public without express prior permission..

I feel like part of women code is not exposing someone’s weave in public unless you know they’re cool with it. Asking someone loudly “IS THAT YOOUURSS???”,is actually quite rude. I mean, would you look at someone’s chest and ask that? For some women, asking them about their Remy is the same as asking them about their double D’s.

9) Thou shalt not go bald for the sake of weave.

There’s only one Austin Powers, and he’s not you. I’ve seen some poor souls with completely theoretical hairlines that have practically disappeared in a puff of weave smoke. Mate, it’s just not worth it.

10) Thou shalt not take this too seriously.

I know y’all be sensitive about your weaves. I’m not trying to rain on your weavealicious parade, I’m just having giggle 🙂

What would you add to the list?

Peace x

3 Comments

  1. Dammy
    April 24, 2014 / 10:25 am

    Thou shall not have black colour 1 natural hair with bone-straight european hair- colour 2. I am convinced that some people actually think this looks cute. Please stop, it irks my soul.

  2. Dammy
    April 24, 2014 / 10:27 am

    Also, please advice these girls to stop with their unflattened lace closures. 1. It is not your hair, we know it is not YOURS! You look like you are wearing a cap.

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