Now I don’t advocate it, but watch any Tyler Perry movie and at least once, the “strong black woman” will pop up.

Typically the strong black woman has been through the fire, the flood and the broke black man. And the absent baby daddy. And the son who is a drug dealer who gets shot and gives his life to Jesus at the end of the film as he limps down the aisle while the strong black woman (who on top of her many responsibilities, also leads the church choir), sings her heart out.

You’ll often find this phrase circulating in memes round the internet. Black woman are STRONG. We are the originators of human life. The incubators of resilience. Black men ‘need’ a ‘strong black woman’ to lean on. White men who make videos about how much they love black women make various allusions to their ‘strength’.  This is seen as a positive thing. After everything we’ve been through, the double oppressions of racism and sexism, the constant invalidation and erasure, still like the phoenix, we manage to rise from the (strong) dark ashes.

Can I be honest? I think the ‘strong black woman’ stereotype/archetype is actually emotionally, spiritually and physically dangerous for black woman. View Post



I was chatting to a friend yesterday about forgiveness. We were talking about people who we felt had wronged us and as we both laughed, kissed our teeth and occasionally admitted to still feeling hurt, I thought about the process of forgiveness.

You will never really know how unforgiving you are until someone does something to you that makes you feel morally superior. It’s a lot easier to forgive the things that we could see ourselves doing.

For example, I’m chronically late. As in, I’ve actually googled whether my lateness, general forgetfulness and my complete lack of any sense of geographical direction is a genuine psychiatric condition and not just another one of my many flaws. (I have self diagnosed with a combination of low level dyspraxia and adult ADHD, but my Mum just thinks I’m scatty, despite the fact that dyspraxia and adult ADHD are vastly underdiagnosed.) Needless to say I’m VERY sympathetic to other people who are late, forgetful and easily get lost. Keep me waiting for 30 minutes and I’ll likely be extremely forgiving and warmly accept your apology, if by some freak chance I’m not 30 minutes late myself. View Post




I don’t really check the news on Friday evening so I found out about the Paris attacks via social media (which is another thing I want to cut out of my Friday evenings). My first thoughts were for my family in Paris. I had a moment of panicky Facebooking until I got a reply. Everybody was safe. In fact, they didn’t even know about the attacks till I asked. In our language barrier muddle she had thought “Are you ok? The attacks?”, was some kind of strange way of asking about her post-pregnancy symptoms.

My next thoughts were of the victim’s families. I remembered when the 7/7 bombs struck London -I was in the car on the way back from the dentist. We had a school trip that day and my class of blue clad teenage girls would have got on a tube on the same line just a little later than when those bombs went off. I remember sitting in the back of the car, my Mum’s hand reached out to mine as I went into a panic attack. I sat there listening to the news reader  slowly, carefully relaying the events of that morning, and I gasped for air. I don’t know why. No one I knew had been on those tubes or that bus, but for some reason the mere thought of it so close to me, the randomness and luck (or in my thinking, divine mercy) of my not being there sent me into a wave of panic. View Post

facebbok fdadoes that make you a bad person?

There was article yesterday in the Guardian which claimed that female graduates are less likely than their less (conventionally) educated counterparts to be able to date or marry a man who is their educational equal. Apparently, more women are going to university than men. I know that in my course for example, women outnumbered men. Which proves what women have known for centuries – we’re far more intelligent and productive than men, which explains why until recently they wouldn’t give us our chance to shine. Jokes aside, the article goes on to suggest that in the future we’ll go on to see a lot more ‘mixed collar’ relationships, where women who are highly educated marry and date men in traditional blue collar professions. He emphasises that this shouldn’t be seen as ‘settling’ because obviously, there are wonderful men from many different backgrounds who would make great life partners.

But surely settling is determined by the person who does it? The definition of settling in dating terms is having a standard that is very important to you, but realising that the standard is, at present, unobtainable, and so you learn to live with something lower than that standard. View Post

fat woman

So I’m on annual leave at the moment and despite all my grand plans to be super productive, this blog post is probably the most productive thing that has materialised in my life since Sunday. I plan to change all that tomorrow.  She says.

Anyway, because today was also hair washing day aka spend 4 hours or so detangling, washing, deep treating and generally luxuriating in my afro, I passed my detangling time watching Youtube. What started out as a fairly high brow sojourn through a nature documentary on wild hogs in Texas (they’re really big and their tusks are razor sharp, and they’re kinda speedy for pigs, and they’re apparently descended from some bigger hogs that existed a while back), ended up watching a show called Big Women, Big Love.  I’m generally opposed to trash reality shows but I’m also a sucker for anything that give a bit of insight into the human condition. (Throw me a bone, at least I tried to make it sound deep).

Big Women, Big Love as you can probably gather from the cringe worthy title, is about a group of plus size women and their travels in the world of romance. The show follows the women as they try to find love and overcome their insecurities, and it makes for an interesting journey. View Post