Nice guys don’t finish last. Saps do though.

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If I had a penny for every self proclaimed nice guy who told me that nice guys finish last, I’d be able to pay for my holiday to Jamaica. Well, maybe not quite, but I’d at least be able to buy a Kit Kat and get a break from this erroneous theory.

There are two types of men who say this. 1) Genuinely nice guys who have been hurt or overlooked in the past. 2) Saps.

The dictionary definition of sap is “the fluid which circulates in the vascular system of a plant, consisting chiefly of water with dissolved sugars and mineral salts.”. So basically a whole mess of soppy wetness and whatnot. The second definition, the verb is “to gradually weaken or destroy (a person’s strength or power).”. So my definition of a sap is a man who is a whole mess of soppy wetness that will eventually destroy or weaken your power. Or maybe you prefer the urban dictionary definition, a socially awkward penguin.

Do not confuse this with sensitivity. Oh no, Mr Thenthitivity, this does not necessarily include you. Crying in the closing scenes of Lion King, because Simba has finally managed to live up to Mufasa’s expectations, does not make you a sap. Granted, it might make you a non-conventional male, but not a sap. So don’t throw away your Kleenex too quickly. 

The difference between saps and nice guys is the constant self flagellation and emotional manipulation that characterises sappy men. Saps are the guys who stay in the friend zone forever because they are just so nice and sweet and marshmellowy (in their eyes), and their female friend is just intent on flinging herself at these alpha male type men who twerk all over her poor little heart. They then simmer in their corner, annoyed that their friend has allowed them to be the shoulder to cry on, the lift to pick her up, the all forms of DIY man to put together her IKEA bed. But essentially, they had no intention of being this woman’s actual friend. What they wanted was a relationship, but they never state their intentions and then mooch and whine and make women feel bad about this. When their intentions aren’t reciprocated they get angry, because they feel like women owe them something for being ‘nice’. No. If a woman thought you were her friend, she doesn’t owe you a relationship because you were actually a decent friend and not a complete toilet.  (And I’m not talking about women who intentionally string men along for attention, so don’t misconstrue that one..)

Nice guys on the other hand, may actually stay in the friend zone for a while. A long while. But eventually they pluck up the courage to make their intentions clear, or rarely (and in my opinion not ideally), the woman gets them to ‘clarify’ their status. When their affections aren’t reciprocated, they don’t emotionally blackmail said woman, they thank them for their time and extricate themselves from the situation for the necessary time period, or suck it up and continue to be a good friend. Or, in many situations, they go on to have happy stable relationships with said women. Why? Because they are genuinely nice, and not using their ‘niceness’ as a form of ‘game’ to manipulate people.

Essentially men often confuse ‘niceness’ for emotional weakness and a distinct inability to have the slightest bit of spine. These are not the same things, You can be kind, generous, sweet AND masculine. Being nice doesn’t mean letting people walk all over you. If you know that you have an issue with that, then own it and work on it. But don’t blame everyone else for not being attracted to that particular characteristic. Like, I don’t think Jesus was a sap. But he was very nice I’m told.

There are the nice guys with bouts of sappiness, who go through a phase of deciding they aren’t going to be ‘nice’ anymore because they’re 20, and *some* 20 year old women seem to like bad boys. These guys are hurting, and it’s understandable – lack of maturity does mean that some younger women over look genuine nice guys in favour of a guy with ‘swag’. What usually happens though, is that as everyone gets older the actual nice guys come to the forefront. Women realise that Tim, with his lack of employment, multiple females, and lack of progress on the property ladder, is actually not a viable option for a lifelong partner. Then it’s the turn of the nice guys. 

So folks, do nice guys finish last? Or do you agree that it’s really just saps who finish last?

 

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6 Comments

  1. February 12, 2014 / 4:58 pm

    Nothing about this rings false. You say Sap but I use the term Simp. I was going to write something about this but you beat me to the punch lol. Rule of thumb for Men: If you have to call yourself a nice guy than chances are you’re not. The whole “nice guy” reaction, I say that because its generally employed after a relationship is denied, is a convenient way to not critically analyst where they went wrong.

    One thing I would like to add to your article is that genuinely nice guys tend to also have the self-respect to eventually move on. Which is a huge tip for moving out the friend-zone… idk why but women seem to double check a man once the normal routine or power dynamic is broken but let me stress that I’m not saying to move on with the intention of going back to “the one that got away” but to stop breaking their back on grand gestures and fancy dates(especially if they are the type of man to try to throw it the girl’s face later on) for a woman that they feel doesn’t fully appreciate it.

    I feel that once you made it known that you have feelings for a girl and she continues to put you in a purely friend role then it isn’t fair to either party to continue the relationship. This is the part where men needs to have spines and to respect themselves enough to want to be around someone that’s on the same page as them. Many men will settle for just having their “dream” girl around. These men often make those women into savior figures in their own mind and if the world was on fire around them it would not matter as long as they was still around. That mindset is flat out unhealthy especially when it’s unreciprocated.

    That leads to the sort situation where a woman will feel comfortable using a man because she knows he is always available to her whims and he isn’t assertive enough to make a sexual advance or better yet she can wave the, “We’re just friends” flag and get them to lament and depress themselves. Women do this! I saw Girl Code on MTV and it’s a open secret some women keep around a friend-zoned guy exactly because she knows how much he cares and would do for her. It’s a ego boost and a fun time but that’s where it ends, a relationship is never really on the table.

    This isn’t always the case. Not all women will use a guy for free dates if given the chance but it does happen and it’s a strong reason behind my policy of not turning back once I inform a girl of my feelings for her. Nobody buys the cow when they get the milk for free. Time is valuable and movie tickets aren’t cheap. If you want to spend time with a girlfriend then make sure the girl is your girlfriend and that there is a mutual understanding. If she isn’t ready for that then you get her to acknowledges your feelings so she can’t just say, “I thought we was just friends hanging out”. If you been friendzoned and your still spending time with this girl. Play with the friend-zone, enjoy the friend-zone but never verbally say friend-zone and push the envelope for god’s sake force her to rethink the role she given you. She already knows that you like her and she is still spending time with you so either she believes you’ll back down and be just a friend or she is waiting for you to find your masculinity and win her.

    Otherwise accept that the girl doesn’t want that from you and find someone else that does. Men have options like women do. I would never advise a man to cling on to a woman that he has declared feelings for and been rejected. Same to a woman.

    • February 13, 2014 / 9:14 pm

      “Rule of thumb for Men: If you have to call yourself a nice guy than chances are you’re not. The whole “nice guy” reaction, I say that because its generally employed after a relationship is denied, is a convenient way to not critically analyst where they went wrong.” BOOM! This. I completely concur.

    • February 13, 2014 / 9:14 pm

      You should still write your post though, would be nice to hear from a man’s perspective!

    • James
      February 20, 2014 / 5:59 pm

      Don’t think I agree with this. Sometimes in long friendships feelings can change, and then change back again without it invalidating the friendship or its value.

      A long time ago, I had a friendship which went from (1) both wanting friendship, (2) me wanting something more, (3) both happy with friendship, (4) she wanting something more, to (5) both happy with friendship again. We lost touch eventually, but not because of any of that.

      More recently my feelings changed for someone I’d been friends with for years – one of my very closest friends – and I made it known. She made it known that she wasn’t interested. It hurt, but I stayed away for 6 months to get past it. Having done that, we both agree that the friendship holds too much value to waste. I can’t hold her responsible for the fact that I changed, that would be nuts.

      And you know.. as you get older and life gets busier, your friendships tighten into a smaller circle. Good friends are worth keeping, even if it sometimes means sucking it up and getting through a bit of pain.

      J

      • February 23, 2014 / 2:08 am

        “genuinely nice guys tend to also have the self-respect to eventually move on. Which is a huge tip for moving out the friend-zone… idk why but women seem to double check a man once the normal routine or power dynamic is broken but let me stress that I’m not saying to move on with the intention of going back to “the one that got away””

        You basically confirmed what I was talking about. You wasn’t a “Sap”. You had enough self-respect to move on and your friend re-evaluated the role she gave you as a result. I see that your feelings have changed and there is nothing wrong with that but you didn’t settle and sulk over your position. You removed yourself from the equation until you found equilibrium in the relationship and NOW you guys got a healthy understanding of where both parties stand.

        Being friends with a female is GREAT, being friends with a woman and secretly hating her for not being with you… not so much. It’s not healthy or fair to either party involved. That is my point. Unrequited love used to be perceived as noble but not in 2014. Now it’s just pathetic and a waste of one’s time.

        You seem to get this hence the six month hiatus you mentioned in your more recent example. You didn’t let your baggage reach her doorstep and once you got your stuff together than you resume where you was. That is literally what I am talking about.

        You don’t disagree with me. You misunderstood me. Furthermore I see you have a pattern of making lovers out of friends and you genuinely value the friendship aspect of the relationships you pursue. This is different from a guy in the “friend-zone” because they don’t genuinely value the friendship aspect of the relationship they loath it and in some cases they take it out on the girl they ironically care so much about.

        • 0cathal0
          February 23, 2014 / 7:51 pm

          In which case my apologies! We do agree. And I particularly agree on the greatness of friendships with females.. there are some things that can only be expressed with close female friends. As it happens none of my friendships with women have ever turned into love-relationships, although once or twice feelings have not coincided. I’ve sometimes wondered how different the dynamic would be with someone I knew well at the start… anyway, all interesting stuff.

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