I’ve tried. Like, I’ve really, really tried with this whole heels thing. And I think I’ve actually put in a good, long term effort at this. I’m not that kid who started revising for GCSE Physics the night before and then was shocked and disappointed at my D grade. No, I’ve actually invested time and money into this.
The first time I wore high heels, I was 3 years old. There’s a picture in an old photo album with me grinning in a pair of my mums tights pulled up to my neck, and my tiny tiny feet swallowed in a pair of black stilettos.I look extremely proud of myself, grinning at the fact that I’ve managed to copy my fashion idol. So that’s approximately 21 years of practice. Clearly, it’s just a union that’s not meant to be.
Any pictures you’d have taken of me wearing heels in the past few years would look something like this:
That is a face of pain. No grinning. Just grimacing.
For the life of me, I just do not understand whose stupid idea it was to make women walk around in these things. They are death traps. I can’t run away from a serial killer in heels. I can’t catch the 75 when I spot it outside Lewisham library and I have 13 seconds to make it to the bus stop, in heels. I can’t be a honorary Powerpuff girl in heels. There’s nothing about heels that adds positively to my life apart from to significantly decrease my walking speed in an already over crowded, fast moving capital city. It’s the last thing I need.
Initially, men wore high heels. Then they stopped wearing them – why didn’t we take they hint? They’re not productive or necessary. Most of fashion isn’t, to be fair, but these are not only unproductive and unnecessary they’re often painful, and definitely completely impractical.
I’ve heard all the various suggestions from various women about finding a pair that’s “comfortable”. I’ve worn the Marks and Spencer Footglove ones with the extra extra cushioning and Great British Grandma seal of approval. I’ve tried Oasis. I’ve tried Topshop. I even had a pair from good old Clarks. They just ain’t working for me.
Apparently though, men love women in heels. Its not one of those things that women do for and amongst themselves that men are kinda baffled about but tend to ignore. No, according to research (there’s research for everything, I’ve found), men are more likely to assist a women who drops something on the street if she’s wearing heels, fill out a survey from a woman who is wearing them, and just generally go gagga over ladies in stilts. So I’ve put myself at a direct disadvantage in the mating game…so what?
All I know is that I have very poor circulation and cold feet, and I like placing my cold feet on people’s warm legs while I’m sleeping. It’s a known fact that women who wear high heels are prone to bunions, corns and all other variety of UFO’s on their feet. I’m gonna put my cold feet on you, so just be grateful that my flat shoe cushioned feet are bunion free. For now.
Any other girls who’ve given up on heels? Anyone wanna give me a lesson? Really, I have tried.