How to avoid losing facebook friends on Valentine’s day.

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Feb 14th tomorrow. My Facebook timeline will be flooded with:

1) Single people making scroogy valentine’s day posts about how it is a commercialised holiday and they are liberated and in love with themselves, because they are ALONE but not LONELY. Clever play on words that is. Clever.  (I won’t be one of them)

2) Christians making cheesy statuses about how Jesus’s love is greater than that of any man. (I could potentially do this, but am erring towards not).

3) Couples defecating their love for each other all up and through my feed. ( I will never be this person. Ever.)

None of the above three things are wrong necessarily.

If you’re single, then by all means love and be in love with yourself. Yes, Valentines day is a commercialised money making scheme propagated by major corporations. Power to the people. Down with capitalism. The revolution will not be pink and fluffy. Etc.

Christian folk, yes, I concur that Jesus is the greatest love of all, and I support you both in your sentiments, and your will to communicate that to those around you.

Couples, I understand that you are literally effervescent with infatuation, love, lust, dopamine, and all that other good stuff, and I completely empathise with your insatiable desire to let every single person who interacts with you via social media how everything your significant other does is amazing. Even the way they peel crust off their feet. Love is beautiful.

However, I just feel that there are some basic protocol that we all should follow to avoid irritating each other on this beautiful day:

1) Please do not give a blow by blow account of your Valentines day meal/outing/ canoodling session.  I know this might sound radically restrained, but one or two pictures will suffice. I do not need extensive photographic documentation of your starter, main course, pudding, virgin mojito, the mint leaf in the mojito, the flowers he got you, the cuff links she bought you, the first kiss of the night, the waiter who served your drink, the toilets at the restaurant, the taxi ride home, a comparison of the photos from last year etc. This isn’t a court of law -we trust you when you say you’ve had a good time.

2) Avoid being that single person littering Facebook with cynicism. This might sound ironic given point number 1, but although I am not the type of person who blasts their relationship status on Facebook ( I might be single, I might not be…you ill never know), I am also trying hard to not bounce to the opposite end of the spectrum and urinate hot rain on everyone else’s parade. This might be your first Valentine’s day alone since He Who Shall Not be Named dumped you outside Morrison’s, but for the sake of the rest of us, please do not project your misery into 5 dozen facebook statuses about how woeful the world is. And this is coming from me, who has probably done this at some point. It ain’t cute.

3) Kindly do not put things in your status that need to be taken to inbox. My friend used to say to me ”Shade, take it to inbox!!”, and I totally see where she was coming from. So even though she cheated on you but your love is stronger than ever and you have come through so much and you know you have haters and snakes in the grass but they are jealous because all you need in this life of sin is you and your girlfriend…It’s a real crazy thing, this inbox that means that your private business isn’t public. A real crazy thing. Use it.

4) Make indirect statuses in reference to the person you’re no longer with, who you now hate. Why? Because my instinctive detective nature automatically makes me want to snoop and stalk and find out who this culprit is. And I know that makes my character defective, but I’m just telling the truth y’all. And I simply don’t have time for that right now, so don’t tempt me. “Celebrating Valentine’s day by loving myself because I don’t need to be with a man who leaves me standing in the rain outside Pizza Express with the bill after I only had one of portion doughballs and he had a big ‘ole pizza, but I’m not even bitter anyway because he made me a survivor. Ladies, love yourselves!”. Who is this man? We want to know.

Seriously though lads, single, coupled or complicated. Enjoy Valentine’s day. Or don’t. Or just ignore it actually. Or do what I do and do all 3 periodically throughout the day. Spices things up a bit.

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