Dear fellow members of the human species,
It has come to my attention due to a recent sojourn from the country of my birth, that there are a select number of you that have not acquired the necessary social graces to act with decorum while aboard moving air cars, often known as planes.
Not all of us have the privilege of flying frequently, therefore I have taken it upon to myself to impart a friendly list to equip those of you who are not accustomed to flight etiquette. Please print this list off and carry it with you when travelling. If you are Jamaican or Nigerian, I would kindly request that you print two lists – one to read, and one to read again after you have ignored the first reading.
1) Please use the bathroom quickly.
There is nothing more frustrating than the combination of a full bladder, and some miscreant who feels that the public bathroom is an extension of their personal seat. As an adult, you should develop the art of urinating quickly, it’s an important life skill. We’ve all been potty trained and if you haven’t, I suggest you book a free appointment with your GP who will be happy to assist you in this matter.Hurry! If David Cameron has his way it won’t be free for long.
2) Your elbow is not a weapon of mass destruction.
To the elbow warriors who think because I am small you can muscle me into submission – one of these armrests is mine, and I’ll be darned if I let you have it.
3)This is not a nudist beach.
Foot nudity is strictly verbodden unless you have a fresh pedicure. Please refrain from making a mockery of other people’s visual abilities and realise that your corns and bunions are for the view of your significant other and supernatural beings only.
4) Planes move, that’s what they do.
My fellow Jamaicans, I understand that you hate turbulence because I hate it too. But there’s no need for a loud running commentary of it in patois.
5)Personal hygiene counts for something.
As someone who ran barefoot through Norman Manley (Jamaica) airport barefoot (my pedicure was fresh) with minutes to catch my flight back to the UK, I can relate to the whole sweaty flyer thing. Sometimes I might be a bit blase about deodorant, but a plane is not the place to be blase about Lynx. That’s 8 hours of body odour and counting. Be kind to others.Carry wet wipes.
6)Please keep it down.
Americans, this one’s for you as you appear to have the uncanny ability of being loud anywhere quietness could be appreciated. On behalf of the United Nations and your fellow passengers, please, put a sock in it.
Some of us have lovely, bubbly personality types.Some of us do not. I think perhaps along with the meal, at the travel agent, you should be able to request bubbly or non-bubbly seating companion. I like making new friends. Some people don’t. If the person next to you clearly does not want to talk to you, then perhaps talk to Siri.
8) All minors should be quieted manually or drugged appropriately.
I hear haloperidol is good for sedation. Check the BNF for Children for correct dosages.
9)You are not a public Spotify.
And this is not a Justin Bieber listening party. Sir, kindly turn down your ipod, my ears thank thee.
All that’s needed for a safe and happy flight is a sober pilot, a movie selection better than the one Thomas Cook Airline offers, and a bit of consideration for your fellow humans. And all will be well.
Happy Holidays folks!!