I came into work this morning perhaps not in the best of moods. After all, it is the day after Monday – i.e. before hump day and after D-day. i.e. the 2nd worst day of the week. Despite the fact that my granola was a tad more soggy than I like it to be, and the banana that I gently sliced on top of my granola had one too many bruises (a treacherous 3 hour journey from my Mum’s London fruit bowl back to the North I’m afraid), I managed to conjure up a smile as I greeted you.
Your response was less than satisfactory. In fact, your response was less. You were response-less. Nevertheless, I pressed on in my attempt to sprinkle joy on the sunken cupcake of the work environment we are both attempting to flourish in. My efforts at helping you speed along your paperwork by giving you first dibs at the sticky labels were rebuffed. You turned down my offer of hot chocolate from the vending machine. Maybe my kindness was becoming annoying, because after a while you told me categorically that you did not wish to speak to me. Sorry. Not only that, but you persisted in your uncoordinated dance of eye-rolling, shrugs, alienating body language, and lack of spatial awareness, all punctuated with various mild obscenities.
I am aware that there may be a variety of reasons for your behaviour. I am all but certain that your wife has left you. If you do not have a wife, I am all but certain as to why. There are very few women who have the emotional capacity of a slug, able to slither away unharmed from your acidic personality.
Perhaps your granola was soggy too. May I suggest a switch to Dorset Cereals – I’ve always found supermarket brands deliver an unsatisfactory level of crunch.
Maybe your children have decided to revolt against your iron fist? My personal experience is like pets, the best way to keep them occupied is to feed them at regular intervals, buy a suitable toy, and insist that they empty their bowels outside as not to damage the furniture.
Or perhaps you’re feeling generally unfulfilled at work? That’s not unusual at all, especially in a recession. We’re all being stretched at both ends like an elastic band, unable to bounce back and inflicting pain on those nearest to us in our attempts to recoil. May I hint at a different career path? Perhaps the army? I hear they’re looking for people who like rigidity, are relatively unfazed by the death/ injury of their colleagues until after the job is done, and have sombre facial expressions that incite respect and fear in the general public. You fit the bill. Not that I’m saying I want you to leave. At all. Every time I encounter you, you present me with the challenge of being nice to someone who is a living impersonation of Jekyll and Hyde. This is good for my personal growth.
Anyhow, consider this an obituary. I am personally mourning the death of your sense of humour, zest for life, and love for mankind. I am taking it upon myself to perform personal resuscitation every morning with a warm smile and another offer of a hand with your paperwork.
With condolences and hope of a resurrection,
Disclaimer: This blog is purely fictional, and intended for entertainment purposes. Any relation to any real life event is purely coincidental. All my colleagues are wonderful.