Nb: if your engagement was recent, don’t feel like you’ve personally inspired this. You haven’t, I’ve been feeling this way for about 3 years.
So my Facebook timeline is absolutely awash with engagements and weddings. It’s positively frightening. These aren’t 50 year old women who have been planning their weddings for eternity, and have a scrap book replete with cuttings from Bridal magazine. Nah – these are people my age. People who grew up watching My Wife and Kids and Fresh Prince at 6 o’ clock after they got home from school. This is my generation. And for a generation of casual sexers who apparently idolise Kim Kardashian, we sure are into this whole marriage thing.
Granted, a lot of this is in church circles. A lot of us are trying to do the whole virgin/celibate thing and failing (can we be real?), so I could cynically decide that roughly 50% of the Facebook status changes are a result of unfulfilled sex drives. But actually, I don’t think it is. It’s probably just because I’m finally at that age where people are starting to become real life adults…and although I’m very happy for them (if they’re marrying the right person) it’s freaking me out.
I’ve started dreading birthdays. Pre 22, birthdays were cool – you were almost kinda excited to be getting older, you were working your way up the list of ‘things I can now legally do around the world’. Next year, I’m 25 and the mere thought of it makes me want to wear black and veil my face in mourning, for a few weeks at least.
I just don’t feel like I’m supposed to be 25 any time soon. This is all wrong. At 18, when I thought of myself at age 25, I thought of myself as a very ‘together’ person. I had my own house, my own car, I was engaged to a fabulous 6 ft plus, deeply spiritual yet ridiculously rich man, and I had a fabulous body (because my well paid job paid for my expensive gym membership). I was also exceptionally mature and full of very adult wisdom. I was tight enough with Jesus that I was on the path to being able to practically hear the audible voice of God.
Erm…..none of these things have happened.
I’ve been taking driving lessons for the last 2 years, and was told by one of my instructors “you’re not a natural driver, are ya?”. Thanks Kandi. Needless to say the car, nor the license have materialised. I live in hospital accommodation overlooking a scenic car park, and I’m pretty sure I have bed bugs. I have definitely eaten a good few ‘student meals’ over the past couple of weeks. I’m not engaged. My expensive gym is a yoga mat and this American chick who does great free Pilates work outs on youtube. I have moments of intermittent immaturity several times a week – I recall a brief moment on Saturday evening where I stood in the cold ‘spitting bars’ with my brother. (It was like Dizzee Rascal vs Alesha from Misteeq). Me and Jesus talk, but I really haven’t reached prophetess status yet.
And to be honest, I’m kind of enjoying my pseudo-student life. The thought of me, married, in the next year and a bit and a bit or so when my life might be a bit more adult, isn’t that scary. The thought of me, married, right now, like next week, is frankly hilarious.
But the thought of everyone around me getting married and me being left in 15 years time as that single lady with a bunch of lizards (cats are so cliche, and I’m far too cool for that), is deeply, deeply troubling.
It really shouldn’t be. There are far worse things in life that could happen to me than not getting married. I can be fulfilled and happy and unmarried.
I guess the fact that everyone arounds me seems to be doing it is making me question whether I should be growing up a little faster. But I just really really really want to be 16 again. So if we all agree to stop this and continue on as 16 year olds stuck in 24 year old bodies, I’d really appreciate it.
Thanks. And congratulations.