noy into you

I’m no authority on men or relationships having had fairly minimal experience with either, but I would say I’m a pretty good authority on unrequited love. I’ve had more than a couple crushes and ‘situationships’ which have ended with a lot of feelings on my side, and a couple ‘k cool’ text messages from their side.

My broken heart could have probably escaped with  a wee dent instead of being shattered with blunt force if only I had come to the realisation…he’s just not that into you.

Women especially, are professional love creators. We specialise in taking men with no love in their hearts for us, and using all the energy that could be spent on rock hard abs, a fantastic career and a relationship tighter with Jesus than all 12 of the disciples, on attempting to squeeze every ounce of non-affection from their souls.

The end result of this is wasted months, stress, a lot of kleenex and a complete rinsing of your thankfully, unlimited minutes on asking each of your friends in a million different ways why Jim-Bob just doesn’t seem to be giving you the attention you deserve.

My dear friend:Stop. Cease. Desist. Unhand the gentleman.

Shall I say it in patois for you? Him nuh want yuh

One thing men and woman both have in common though is that when we want someone, we show it.

Maybe not immediately. Sure, there’s the does -he-like-me, does-he-not stage  that can last varying amounts of time, but generally we’re pretty good at sending off signals. I could write an extensive list of signs that someone just isn’t into you, but there are two main signs:

  1. They don’t initiate contact. (Or in the case of many women, don’t accept contact)
  2. They don’t initiate commitment

That’s it. Simple. It all boils down to these two things – contact and commitment. Most men get to stage one and stop at stage two.

If he doesn’t text or call you and you’re always the one calling and texting – he’s not that into you. If he only calls or texts during unsavoury hours when Sam’s chicken and brothels are the only institutions open for business- he’s not that into you. If your phone calls last 10 minutes and the main point is clearly to warm you up enough so he can come over and get some sort of sexual intimacy – he’s not into you, he’s into getting into you. If she talks to you for 20 minutes and then ‘has to go’ Every.Single.Time – she’s just not that into you.If you disappear from the country, climb Everest, and 3 months later get a text saying ‘sup? you good?’. They’re just not that into you.If you’re in a relationship  and you have to beg him to check up on you once a week – no, it’s very unlikely that’s just his personality- he’s just not that into you. If he repeatedly cancels plans you make together to go out with friends/siblings/ his personal trainer and apologises profusely each time, but still cancels…guess what? He’s just not that into you. If she doesn’t pick up for 3 days at a time and doesn’t bother to  even text a ‘sorry I missed ya :-)’ text, then mate, she’s probably just not that into you.

Now on to commitment. Intimacy is the reward of commitment. And as intimacy grows so should commitment. Many of us have broken hearts because we give intimacy – be that emotional, sexual, mental without the appropriate level of commitment If you’ve been ‘talking’ for a year but there’s been no suggestion of a relationship, the odds are he’s just not that into you. If he/she says ‘I’m  focusing on my career right now’, then that may be a very true statement, but what’s also true is that they’re just not that into you. Because if they thought you were unmissable, they wouldn’t miss out on you. For my Christian folk – if you’ve been dating for 5 years, are both grown adults with a viable income and are ‘celibate’ but he still has not proposed, my friend, he’s just not that into you. Because no grown heterosexual man with a sex drive and a stable income needs 5 years to decide whether he wants to marry a woman and make attempts at procreating. Please be honest with yourself – if he wanted you to be his wife he would have asked by now.  If after 8 months of dating she doesn’t want to ‘tie herself down’ by actually having the title of girlfriend , she may fancy you , but really and truly, she’s just not THAT into you. If they break up with you, guess what? They’re just not that into you. Regardless of whether they tell you you’re perfect and amazing – they’ve broken up with you. Massive hint. Pretty huge.

Sure there are exceptions to all of these, but if you’re reading this and thinking your boyfriend/emotional booty call/person you fancy is the exception then you’re probably wrong. And they’re probably not that into you. And you should grab yourself by the shoulders, believe that you’re worth it and trust that God has someone for you who actually IS that into you.

So  pick up the phone and (with dignity) bury that relationship that is already dead.

What do you think? How can you tell when someone’s not into you?

gorilla

It boggles the mind that some people think that you can’t be concerned with more than one cause at time. If you tweet #freethebees someone will inevitably hyperventilate and stammer “How can you be concerned about bees when MILLIPEDES are almost extinct, do you know how important they are to our ecosystem?”

So I’m prefacing this post by reiterating that I understand that one is capable of caring about human lives and animal lives at the same time. I am after all, a vegetarian.

You’ve all heard the news about Harambe the Gorilla. Tragically, he was shot at a zoo after an incident in which a 4 year old managed to climb into the gorilla enclosure. I understand the sympathy extended that an animal, which for all intents and purposes, was minding it’s own business and happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time, was shot. Cool. Have your 1 minute of silence before you eat you factory farmed beef burger. (Did you feel the shade? It was intentional)

What I don’t understand (or maybe I do understand, but don’t want to)  is this disproportionate mourning that certain people *cough* will participate in for wild animals in comparison to:

  1. The animals they kill every day for food kept in horrific conditions.
  2. Black and brown people everywhere.

Many were calling for police to investigate the mother and bring charges for the death of the gorilla. Unbelievably, they’ve been successful and the police are now investigating the mum. Never mind the fact that anyone who has looked after a 4 year old should be able to understand that they can skedaddle in the twinkling of an eye. Never mind the fact that zoos should probably have enclosures that are pretty much childproof. Unless this boy was secretly an international athlete, he just shouldn’t have been able to get into a gorilla enclosure.

I wish police officers who killed unarmed black people were investigated that quickly. Isn’t it interesting that many of these same people who are so riled by live video footage of a gorilla being shot, weren’t equally as riled by live video footage of Walter Scott being shot in the back?  Wouldn’t it be nice if it could garner the same level of international outrage?  The only conclusion I can gather from reactions to Harambe the Gorilla and Cecil the Lion (the other animal that made headlines last year), is that for many of these people gorillas lives are more important than black ones. Especially when people are more intent on crying about a gorilla than being thankful that a little boy (who coincidentally happens to be black) was saved from what could have been a horrific death at the hands of an potentially extremely violent animal.

In fact, don’t underestimate the fact that this child was black and that his mother was black in this outrage. Black mothers face tremendous stigma. Black boys are seen as societal deviants and by extension their mothers are tarred with the brush of irresponsibility, regardless of the facts of the situation. Many of you might feel that I’m clutching at straws here, but I honestly believe that the reaction to this would have been slightly different if a blonde hair blue eyed little girl had been trapped in the enclosure and if the mother had been white.

I’m not stating that every person who is concerned about the gorilla is consciously racist.I’m not stating that you shouldn’t care about gorillas, bees or millipedes. I’m not even questioning the hierarchy of concern because I was already aware of the hierarchy. I’m just giving us a short reminder, once again, perhaps like a broken record, of how selective society can be is with it’s empathy. And that we should remember this. And that we should question in our own lives what moves us to mourning.

(We could also have a discussion about zoos and why they’re kind of questionable…but that’s another post)