There are very few things that superficially warm my heart than the sight of a man with a good beard and a good shape up. There’s something about the clean line of a level one perfectly orchestrated, partnered with a full chin of hair that makes my heart skip a little beat. I’ve convinced myself that not only are beards physically attractive, they’re actually a signifier of a higher level of being.
Disclaimer: Just because something isn’t logical, doesn’t mean it’s not true. Think about that. It’s deep.
1) Men with beards are more spiritually enlightened.
According to every painting I’ve ever seen, Jesus had a beard. In fact, every famous religious figure worth mentioning had a beard. Now, I’m team Jesus, but Mohammed, Buddha, Confuscious, and all the Egyptian Pharoahs (who they thought were also gods) had beards. Basically, despite my opinions on their varying theologies they all got one thing right – a good beard makes a man more at peace with himself and the world around him.
2) Men with beards have more time to spend with you
If it takes a man 5 minutes to shave in the morning, that’s 5 minutes every day he can’t spend giving you attention. That’s 5 minutes less breakfast in bed, foot rubs, phone conversations, asking for the 10th time his opinion on whether you should go natural, helping you choose hairstyles for when you go natural, arguing about George Osbourne’s budget (just me?), or telling you that you’re beautiful. Unless he has one of those beards that needs daily grroming. In which case, refer to point number 1.
3) Men with beards are less likely to get sunburn, therefore less likely to get skin cancer, therefore have a higher life expectancy.
A man with a beard has a higher proportion of his face covered by hair than a man without a beard. Therefore, he has a natural blocker of UVA and UVB rays. These rays cause skin cancer. The less chance he has of getting skin cancer, the higher the chance he has of sticking around and spending a life loving you. I mean, it’s so obvious you wonder what’s wrong with men who choose to not have beards. Don’t they think things through? Are they naturally less intelligent?
4) Men with beards have proven they can commit.
A beard isn’t simply a follicular accessory – it’s a commitment to a lifestyle of masculinity and virility. It says “Hey, look at me. I believe in something. I have principles. I can make long lasting committments to things that are important to me”. If he can commit to a beard then he is more likely to commit to a job. And to a woman. With a ring. Men with beards are more likely to get married. Dating men who don’t have facial hair is risky. Who is he? What does he believe in? If he can’t commit to facial hair, what chance do you have?
5) Men with beards are like pets. They are good for your health.
It’s been proven that sroking pets is therapeutic and improves your emotional and mental well being. Life can be hard sometimes, but maybe you’re allergic to cats. Why should you miss out on the therapeutic benefits of fur? Forget the cat that you have to feed and change litters for. Forget that annoying poodle that you have to walk around in the morning, pooper scooper in hand. What kind of life is that? Find a nice man with a beard. If you’re lucky, not only will he marry you (because he can commit), but you can stroke his beard whenever you’re stressed. For the rest of your life. It’s a no brainer.
Who else is #teambeard?